I am her.

Today I’ve had to charge my phone twice. FB memories told me that 4 years ago today I posted a video online of me training during lockdown. It was a silly video in which I geared up and walked up to the (out of shot) bar like I was going to war. Of course by war I mean the platform at a competition. I set up and proceeded to lift with sheer grit…two 5kg dumbbells. I wanted to make the world and my loved ones laugh during such a dark and trying time.

So I decided to share it with UKCVFamily, where I now try and make a smaller community feel a little joy since most of us don’t get to experience this enough anymore. This meant downloading an app to download the video from my instagram, as I haven’t got it on this phone. And that’s when my battery started to get depleted.

I have spent 5 fucking hours scrolling through every video, it’s written blurb and all comments since the start of me sharing my fitness journey.

Today I’ve revisited every good lift, every bad lift, every injury and rebuild, every competition and every wonderful show of support and love. Of course it took me into a very dark period of my life in 2020, but also saw the start of me rebuilding both in and out of the gym. Until the vaccine.

I watched myself squat 120kg for 3 reps, and today I often struggle to do one rep without weight and my legs shake often when going up/down stairs. I benched 70kg and bashed out reps at 60kg, today my arms shake when I have to push myself up of the floor where I’ve fallen or got myself stuck picking something up and I can only safely use a kettle with enough water for two cups. The closest I get to deadlifting now is when I’ve dropped my walking stick and have to pick it up, or putting Bellas food down for her.

I became British Benchpress Champion just 4 weeks after a bad lift left me with a herniated disc in my back and I couldn’t walk properly. I won my last regional qualifier just 12 hours after I tried to end my life. Time and time again I came back and I achieved more. I rebuilt myself over and over again, each time stronger, more controlled, happier.

I’m nearing 3 years of this and I still can’t figure how to rebuild. In fact my health continues to decline, my rebuild becomes harder with each week that passes.

On Monday I had a 90 minute appointment with a specialist rheumatology physio. It was a truly humbling and humiliating experience where I had to disclose the most embarrassing symptoms that affect my health, mobility and overall dignity. I was at one point asked if I’d considered a commode downstairs. However I was also told that I was doing much better because I’ve been able to cut down on therapy, despite my physical health being worse. My argument that I’ve been able to reduce therapy because I’ve found myself a part of a wonderful support group, volunteering for charity and because I just can’t afford more sessions, fell of deaf ears.

Yet mentally I know I have improved because last time I found myself going through the showreel of my previous life I went into a deep spiral and I cried for days. I also didn’t manage to view so much of it. But today I went through it all, not because I wanted to, I just got stuck on one of those loops. It has impacted me mentally. It does make me sad, I am horrendously sad right now. It does make me jealous of that woman who just couldn’t see how loved and adored she was, how strong she was, how fucking resilient she was. She was like a fucking cockroach that just couldn’t be defeated. But I also know I am her. She’s still within me, dormant, waiting for her time.

I don’t know how to fix me yet. I mean some days I physically can’t even get out of bed. But I’m not done. I’m realistic, I know I’ll never be that active and that strong again. But I really am sure that one of these days I’ll find something or someone that can help me live again, beyond merely existing. Perhaps next week I’ll win the lottery and I’ll put everything into fixing myself and others like me. But also perhaps next week I’ll get to walk Bella – I’d be equally grateful for that win.

Tonight, I’m going to allow myself to feel everything I feel; the grief, the sadness, the pain and the gratitude. Gratitude that I went on that little journey through time today to remind myself that the same person who achieved all those things is still within me.

1 year of not being alone.

Today marks 1 year since I found and joined UKCVFamily and a lot has happened between then and now.

It may seem an odd anniversary to be remembering, but for me it is one of the most important. I never planned to be here, not in the physical sense though that too, I mean this situation was not in my life plan. But you can’t plan for everything, life has its own mind to some extent.

Every person goes through some rough patches in life, some more than others. Each experience unique in its design. I never considered myself to be someone that had experienced many rough patches, despite having health issues since I was young. But then I realised I wasn’t mentally well, and not until it was nearly too late. But I healed. And then the world was shut down and I continued to heal. Until the vaccines were introduced.

Many of my friends, family and readers will know that the time that followed this was one of those rough patches. The ones you cannot plan or foresee. Despite my previous healing I would repeatedly think and sometimes plan to not continue my journey. It was too hard, too heavy and too fucking painful. My every waking moment was and is consumed by extreme pain.

I don’t know how I got through the bulk of this time on my own, feeling like no one else in the world understood what I was going through. The world saw the reports about bereavements, but where were the stories of others like me who daily felt so unwell that they could only assume they too weren’t supposed to survive but somehow did? I’m lucky to have had such an incredible support network and therapist that managed to keep my head just far enough above the water.

But then suddenly I wasn’t alone. My mum texts me from work one morning with a photo of an article and from that I would never feel so alone again. That very same day I went back online, as I had weekly, to find a support group of others like me – only this time I had their name; UKCVFamily. I filled out the membership questions and to my great surprise I was accepted into the group. It shouldn’t be a surprise, but I feared that with the doctors refusing to acknowledge the V as causation that I might not qualify. But I soon realised they’d never dare to be so short-sighted.

The support I’ve received has been phenomenal. The support I was already receiving was and is phenomenal, but finding others like me was incredible. Suddenly I had another army behind me, cheering me on and pushing me forward. I received responses full of love and encouragement, but also deep understanding. Through treatments, disappointing health appointments and even my wins, they were there for it all.

In July I joined founders and other members in London to tell my story to MPs in parliament and help get their support of our group and all vaccine injured across the UK. This group was so incredibly inspiring, achieving and opening doors like I’d tried to do the year before. But they were really doing it! I immediately felt at home among them when I got off the tube and I wish I could have stayed with them longer. I felt whole.

Later in the year, post surgery, I joined the admin team. I volunteer and help moderate the group and keep everyone safe, including the group itself. This hasn’t just given me more purpose, it’s brought me closer to so many and no matter what is going on or how bad I feel I get to be a part of their fight. Every day I get to help others, with a group of people also intent on helping others, despite their own prevailing health concerns. We operate as a team, we work together through the lighter stuff and the darker stuff. We laugh together. I didn’t realise quite how much I’d missed laughing more.

This year has flown by really. Thanks to the group I have significantly cut down on therapy sessions and have found others like me. My highlight would have to be meme Friday – a day we all come together to laugh. Not all health related, but the ones that are often appeal to my dark sense of humour. But that’s my favourite day, not my favourite thing about the group. It’s the fact it’s beyond welcoming. Like when you’re with your closest friends and you can share anything and everything, even the intrusive thoughts you were taught to never say aloud. There’s no judgement because everyone understands or has thought similar. There’s no one looking at you like you just ruined family dinner, again. If you could see them they’d be looking at you like ‘fucking same bro’. But that’s why zoom socials are held so members can truly see and hear this deep understanding.

My role within the team is evolving and one thing I can say with absolute certainty is that I was meant to be here right now, in this situation with these people. These saviours. I was meant to be doing this, helping people with this group of heroes I’ve found myself a part of – giving purpose to all the lessons that I’ve been through.

My every waking moment is still extreme pain. I’m not always happy, but I’m also not always sad. I understand now that that’s exactly how life is supposed to be. No one can be happy every moment, but they can be a peace with whatever they feel that day. I am at peace right now. I still have heavy days, I still have angry days, but I’ve come to realise and accept that they are just days. No more powerful than my happy days and good days. But every single one of those days I get to share with this group and team. And every single one of those days I get to help someone else, regardless of what kind of day I’m having. That is powerful and meaningful. But then that is UKCVFamily.

I’m not ok, but I also am. And other awkward admissions.

It’s been pointed out to me before that I turn to humour when I’m in a dark place or a place of avoidance. Or where I just feel awkward.

One of those more glaringly obvious times is when someone asks ‘how are you?’ Because 95% of the time the honest answer is not good. Not even close to good. I feel awful and I really wish I could get used to it, but I can’t, and every day I face a new challenge with my health and my abilities that means I can never get used to this. So I’ll make a joke or say I have nothing to report.

Of course it’s not all terrible as you, my readers, know. I volunteer for UKCVFamily and it gives me so much purpose. Being part of the admin team as well, with our little group chat means nothing heavy is on one person. We’re such a united team, and the chat isn’t all heavy stuff. We laugh and share funny videos and stories. Just this week we’ve discovered that several of us pick up accents of those they’re around. My entire life I just thought I was embarrassing myself when I noticed I do this – but apparently it’s a thing and I finally know others who do this. It has nothing to do with our roles or our responsibilities, we’re a team but we’re also really good friends. But the purpose comes from being in this team and everyday being able to contribute to helping so many others. It fits within my limits and I am so grateful for that.

One day I may be a 10/10. But that very same day I might be able to use just 10 minutes to help someone access the support they deserve, or direct someone to the mental health support they need, or I might be able to share a few words that may make someone laugh or feel a little less alone. If I focus on the things I can and do achieve, even from my bed – with curtains drawn, shades on, ear plugs in and phone brightness on 0 – then on the whole you could say I’m doing ok. But some times that 10 minutes just isn’t enough to overshadow the darkness of the other 1430 minutes. But in the whole I’m still much better off than I was before I had this purpose.

But why do I still turn to humour as a defence? Why do I still feel awkward when someone asks how I am? I guess I don’t want to make others feel awkward. I don’t want to just keep saying the same thing – feeling shite but keeping on. I worry that people will have negative thoughts about me saying the same thing over and over. I worry they’re thinking ‘Christ it’s the same shit. Surely she should be used to this/over this by now’. Of course that’s my own mind creating a story based on zero evidence, because I know there is no one in my circle that would even dream of having these thoughts about anyone. But sometimes it’s hard to get past the anxiety created by that story – so I make a joke. Or I change the subject.

I’m pretty good at changing the subject. Which I’ll demonstrate now.

I’ve also noticed that in being more open, on here and in person, I now have to really watch myself. I am possibly too open and too comfortable telling my truth. I want those in my circle to always feel open to approaching me with anything they have going on. I might not be able to do a lot, but I am able to listen (most of the time). But I’ve noticed that I’ve started to pick up the habit where in order to tell someone I understand what’s happening to them, or convey that I don’t fully understand but I have had a similar experience, I then proceed to tell them this experience. Thus inadvertently changing to subject to me, when that’s not what I intend to do. I just seem incapable of just saying ‘I understand and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this’ or ‘I’ve had a similar experience, so I do kind of understand where you’re at, but if you want to I’m happy to listen so I can understand on a better level’. These are the things I would say before, Chloe the Closed Book was well versed in this. Helping others, being there for others and showing support and empathy is still who I am. But I am conscious of this new verbal diarrhoea that I know from experience can stop someone sharing their story with you, even though your intentions are pure.

So this is a new thing I’m working on. A special brand of new anxiety I’ve never had because I’ve never been such an open book before. Now I need to deal with the anxiety and practice closing my book so others have the space to open theirs.

So anyway, now I’ve opened my book and divulged my inner thoughts, anxiety and defence mechanisms I guess it’s time for me to get awkward. I brought some new platform trainers in the sale, and I now look like a solid 5ft1.5 😏 watch out Tesco, second shelf from the top should now be within my reach!